I would just like to start out by saying this is very difficult for me. I have always been one of those people that keeps everything locked up inside. I never liked expressing how I was feeling. That was until I met Miguel. That obviously is not his real name, but in order for this to be effective for me, I prefer to keep things as anonymous as I can.
Anyway, Miguel was an accidental meet. I had just gotten out of a relationship. Not a long one, but a relationship nevertheless. As I was feeling down on myself and wondering what was wrong with ME, a friend of mine suggested I download a variety of dating apps for a confidence boost. I thought it was about the stupidest idea I had ever heard. So naturally, I took her advice.
It helped. Surprisingly, it helped tremendously. I had loads of messages from guys telling me how beautiful I was and how much they wanted to meet me. As superficial as this sounds, I healed from the attention I was getting. Mind you, the relationship that ended prior was not a serious relationship nor was it love. It was a common lustful reaction that ended as quickly as it started, as it should have.
In these many messages I was recieving, I came across Miguel. He was sweet, funny, kind, everything I wanted. Everything I had been searching for. It all made sense why things did not work out before. He was perfect. Absolutely perfect.
I fell in love as soon as I laid eyes on him. He made me feel special. He treated me with respect and love, nothing I had ever experienced before. We were madly in love. He was my first love, my first time, my first forever. It sounds perfect, doesn’t it? Because it was…for the first couple of months.
That’s when things did a complete 180. I found messages on his phone to another girl. I can still hear my heart cracking as I read their conversation. The one thing that stood out to me was, “I want to ravish your clit with my tongue.” I showed it to him and he froze and did not know what to say. I can’t explain how I feel about this guy so I will just say, long story short, I forgave him that night. Stupid. I know. Especially because this was not the only message. That girl was blocked. And then there were more. We dont really need to get into all of this. Long story short, Miguel and I are still together trying to make thinks work. It’s been over 2 years together. The trust issues I have with him are ruining everything. I am constantly worried about him talking to other girls, missing ex girlfriends, sleeping with someone else. Granted, the only cheating that has been done (that I know of) have been via text and snapchat.
About a year ago, he and I both decided together that we would get rid of all social media except for Facebook and messenger. This includes snapchat, instagram, etc. Now, every time we fight, he will download snapchat to upset me. He will either delete it right away, or he will talk to his Male contacts to make me think he is texting girls he used to chat with sexually before I caught him and we shut it down. I will not make excuses for this behavior because I know as much as the next that this is wrong and I don’t deserve it. I have never cheated on this man and I never would. I have never contacted a guy and talked sexually to him while I have been with Miguel. Miguel has done this multiple times to me. And it still hurts.
Not only am I at a constant battle with our past, I also deal with our present. Our fights are not normal. I get screamed at, called a bitch or a cunt or retarded or stupid or a dumbass. There are plenty more names, but we will stop there. He is just flat out mean to me.
What really inspired me to finally blog these daily struggles is the fact that he doesn’t like it when I talk to him about my feelings. He gets angry and tells me to leave or calls me one of the many names mentioned above. I have no one to talk to. No one who will give me any advice other than “leave him”. I know I have made Miguel sound like the worst boyfriend on the planet, but the things that keep me holding on are the good times we have. We laugh until our stomachs hurt and he is my bestfriend. When we are getting along, things are perfect. Like it never went wrong in the first place. When things are going bad, I question, not only his feelings for me, but my feelings for myself.
The Struggling Girlfriend 